Sat, Feb 16, '02, 1:48 amIt's been a while since I've used this pen & paper journal dealy (ooh, look at me, offline and still talking like Chiv .. how odd), but a week with no diary writing ... I dunno, the idea doesn't bode well with me right now. Writing seems to help me during these low times, and this may be my lowest yet.
What's wrong?
I'm seriously depressed. My whole state of mind has become heavy, thick, dismal. I believe this has been building up for at least a year now, if not my whole life. My moods used to be up and down ... highly sensitive ... mainly anxiety, occasionally tempered with sadness, sometimes lifted temporarily with emotional highs arising seemingly out of nowhere. This I found bearable to an extent, albeit difficult and often painful. But now there's nothing but depression and occasional bouts of what used to be anxiety but now borders on severe anguish. Basically I'm just very unhappy, and it's only been getting worse.
On Thursday I started taking antidepressants. I was already seeing a therapist, and still am. I had to see several throughout my teenage years, at my parents' urging, but the one I have now I went to on my own, and she's the only one I've felt good about seeing.
It took years for me to accept the idea of antidepressants. I still don't believe in happy pills without therapy of some sort ... at least, not for me. I can't not talk about this shit to someone. And I was lucky enough to find someone I like.
So I've committed to this whole antidepressants thing for the next year. Supposedly chemical balance is properly restored in the brain by then ... the balance that's lost when a person is depressed ... and will maintain that balance without medication at that point, provided medication is properly "weaned". At least, ideally, in theory, that's how these pills are supposed to work. If they don't work, they don't work. I've got nothing to lose at this point. So I'm giving it a shot.
Wish me luck.
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