Friday, Oct. 28, 2005 - 4:30 p.m.
Because how complicated can elephant hunting be? I mean, they're so BIG and SLOW!

Sometimes I think I'm mentally handicapped and I've just never been declared as such because I'm smart in all the testable areas.

I just feel so fucking mentally blocked. Like there's this fucking awesome castle, fortress, whatever, that I'm meant to be in, but around it there's a huge-ass moat full of crocodiles .. and no drawbridge. Or, perhaps more accurately, there's a drawbridge, but I have some bizarre defect that makes me incapable of activating the drawbridge. Or there's some password for getting the person on the other side to lower it that no one will give me. So instead I just hang around and stare at the castle off in the distance, picking dandelions and whining about how much I want to get into the castle.

I don't know how else to explain this feeling. It's just so weird. In some ways I feel so much smarter than most of the world around me .. and yet I feel like even the stupidest people out there are more competent than I am.

I feel incredibly handicapped, and I don't know why or how to fix it. Yes, I know I need to take action, I just don't know what that action is.

Do you ever let your room or your house or whatever get so incredibly messy, that when you finally decide to clean it up, you have NO idea where to even begin, and become almost paralyzed, because there is so much to do and it looks as though it will take years and you don't even know HOW it should all be organized? And you don't know what you want to keep and what you don't, and how to decide that, because you don't know what you'll need? So then you decide to read a book on how to get organized, and they give you even more rules for keeping your life in line that you never even *thought* about, so now you have even more on your plate, and in the time it took you to read that book, you probably could've cleaned your whole house out. Oh dear, better go and read a book on how to overcome procrastination while you're at it. You think I'm joking around, but I'm not. I actually have a book called Overcoming Procrastination. I used to read it while I put off doing my homework.

So anyway, the messy room? That's how I feel about my life. Where do I begin? What course of action do I take? How do I know it's the right one? What will be more useful to me? Where do I want to end up? I feel so goddamn overwhelmed no matter what aspect of my life I look to improve, be it my education, my career, my health, my social life, whatever. It's all so messed up, and I wish I could start from scratch. The equivalent of moving into a brand new home and leaving all of your junk behind. Not that that's any easier. That brings up a whole new load of issues. "Oh, what do I buy? How should I decorate? What's my budget? What do I need? etc. etc.". Then you think maybe you need to watch some decorating shows, so you do, and then you get so many different ideas and about a zillion artsy decorative projects you want to start, and you will buy all the material and all these knicknacks and it will clutter up your home and collect dust while you keep thinking "yeah, one of these days I'm gonna get my act together and make this place pretty, I swear". Um, but I'm getting off topic here. Which is really rather fitting, since that's what keeps happening when you try to get your life in order. You get sidetracked constantly. How the hell does anyone focus?

Life is just too fucking complicated. I should go and live with the pygmies.

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Because how complicated can elephant hunting be? I mean, they're so BIG and SLOW! - Friday, Oct. 28, 2005
Busted - Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005

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