I have a story to tell. There's this crazy schizophrenic homeless guy who roams the streets downtown here. Well, there are many, many crazy schizophrenic homeless guys who roam the streets here, but this one particularly catches my attention. He has dark, dissheveled hair and a long dark gnatty beard filled with debris. Both have managed to dread themselves up haphazardly on their own through lack of washing and combing. He wanders around muttering to himself, completely oblivious to his surroundings. Sometimes he's laughing maniacally, sometimes he's shouting unintelligible words. His eyes are always wide and wild. He looks kind of like Rasputin. He crosses the street on a red light, regardless of whether or not cars are coming, looking straight ahead, completely unaware. I've seen him several times. One time Crystal was with me, and it was dark out. There weren't many people out on the street we were on. Crazy schizophrenic guy came out of nowhere, walking past us, looking down and cackling to himself. Crystal, apparently unafraid, looked at him and shouted: "HILARIOUS!". I freaked out, thinking he might come and attack us or something, but he just continued walking as though he couldn't see or hear us. Maybe he couldn't ... he is schizo, after all.
Anyway, as I was coming home from Crystal's place last night, I got off the streetcar and I saw him. He was just leaving one of the phone booth thingies on the corner of University and Queen (I say "thingies" because they're not quite booths .. more like phones on stands). As he walked away, I suddenly found myself wondering who on earth this guy could possibly have been calling. He's kind of an old guy, and looks like he's been homeless for some time, not like someone who might have family he could call because he couldn't take life on the streets anymore. I wondered if maybe he was just imagining he was making calls .. picking up the phone and talking to the president ... or calling the alien deathlord of some other galaxy ... who knows.
At any rate, I felt compelled to glance at the phone he'd been at as I walked by ... perhaps for some sort of clue ... maybe the phone book would be open to a certain page or something, indicating who he'd called.
I didn't see a phone book, though. What I saw was a clear plastic baggie hanging down, tied to the metal coiled phone cord, filled with clear yellow liquid.
This guy wasn't calling anyone! He was just tying a bag of piss to the phone cord and leaving it there!!!
AUGH! He's completely, unbelievably insane! He's so insane, I don't even know if he's for real! I mean, seriously ... how could someone be that perfectly insane by accident? Maybe he's just pretending to be a crazy schizophrenic guy.
Maybe not.
Good god. I'm totally fascinated by this guy. I'd like to follow him around with a video camera. Only I wouldn't, because I'd be afraid of what he'd do to me.
Christ almighty, that was fucking WEIRD.
Now for a complete subject change.
I've just realized I've been behaving in such a way as to protect myself and, well, almost .. insure myself, in the event that I might get dumped.
Not because James has said or done anything to indicate that he might break up with me. Quite the opposite. He's been nothing short of wonderful. Things are so great with him .. I .. don't even have words to express it.
No. The reason I am acting the way I am is because I'm terrified of getting hurt. My last breakup was absolutely devastating, despite the fact that the guy definitely didn't intend it to be, and didn't want to hurt me.
I don't want to go through that again, and I'm trying to protect myself.
I can't explain how I'm doing this ... it's mainly just the way I'm thinking. I'm not allowing myself to let go of certain things that I should be letting go of. I'm still far too concerned with being liked by as many people as possible, because somewhere in the back of my head I'm thinking I'll need a whole network of friends around ... just in case. Just in case of what, is what I finally asked myself today, as I was riding home on the streetcar having these thoughts. That's when I realized I was trying to safeguard myself for the possibility that I might be rejected. Not that having lots of friends is bad. But trying to maintain or gain people's endearment to you for fear that you may otherwise be suddenly left alone and afraid is not such a good thing.
However, as soon as I realized this, I realized that I needed to stop thinking this way, stop trying to overprotect myself, because it will only end up hurting me in the present, and I'll end up missing out on things ... like fully appreciating how great my life is right now, and how much happier I am now than a few months ago, and what an amazing person James is, and how great it feels to suddenly have close friends, a social life, and things to do. And even if I were to lose all of this all of a sudden, I know I'd still end up on my feet again. I'd discover new people, I'd find things to do. I've survived loneliness before, and I can survive it again if I have to.
Already I can feel myself letting go of the old thoughts ... this is a good thing. I may not change all of my thoughts and habits overnight, but I will change.
There you have it. An in-depth self-analysis.
My brain's a little bit tired now.
If you'll excuse me, I have to go and see if I can make a hair appointment.
Bye for now.
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