Well I thought I had my icq working again, but just now my computer screen went black and started making some awful alarmy-sounding buzzing noise and I had to restart it. I don't know if icq caused it, but it's been trouble ever since our computer was messed with, so it wouldn't surprise me. Oh well. I'm not ready to give up on icq just yet.My depressive mood swings seem to be coming back. I think I might need to increase my dosage of antidepressants a little, since I'm on a really really low dose, but now I'm scared.
What if I take more and then my body gets used to it and then I just keep needing more and more and more and I'm on the maximum dosage and it still doesn't last but I can't get more and I can't stop taking them because then I'll be even worse than I was before and I just become this helpless depressed junkie? Did I do the wrong thing? Was medication the wrong answer?
I remember, I decided that I was feeling bad enough that I was willing to try anything ... I had been miserable long enough, getting progressively worse year after year ... I had nothing left to lose, so I agreed to the medication. I knew it would probably be a year-long committment at least, because it requires gradual increasing of doses and gradual weaning and possibly several different trials of different medications. So I won't worry about this, I'll stick it through the year and then see how I am. There's no sense worrying about it right now ... is there?
Lately I see myself doing things out of insecurity, and I don't like it one bit. I'm always looking for reassurance on every little thing. I'm scared I'll drive people away because of this. Especially James. Things are so incredibly great between us now, and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way, but I think of my previous relationships, and of how they ended (ie. they were ended by the other person and not me), and how it seems like people I really care about just ... tire of me after awhile. I wonder if I just wear thin after a certain amount of time, or if I just cease to be interesting, or if I'm just too much, too needy, too demanding, too clingy, too whatever. Or if I just stop being attractive, somehow.
I'm hurting myself with these thoughts. I want to stop having them, but I guess part of me wants to somehow protect myself by assuming the worst.
But it's not helping. It's just making me feel worse about myself when I shouldn't.
So I'm going to try and not think about these things, as best I can. I'll just .. think good things about myself, if I can.
Help me out ... if you're reading this, send some lovin' vibes my way, won't you? If only in your mind ...
Excuse me, I think I'm off to sign guestbooks. I'm told I need to do that more often if I expect to get signings in return and/or keep my fans. Who knew?
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