Ugh ... I'm going through some sort of shitty little bout of low self-esteem all of a sudden, and I have no idea why.I'm wondering what it is people who like me actually like about me ... wondering if I actually have the qualities these people say I have ... wondering if anyone knows me at all ... wondering if I know me at all.
I'm feeling very second-rate, in general.
I'm realizing I don't like being second best. Third or fifth or eighth I could handle, but second is too much ... too close to first, yet not close enough. I just took my angry frustration out on Chiv, even though it has nothing to do with him at all.
Maybe competition is just bad for me in general. Or maybe it helps to fuel my ambition. I really don't know. I imagine it's one of those double-edged sword deals.
I want to be a better writer. I want to be able to write poetry, and songs. I want to be able to do more creative things, like play instruments, and paint, and sew, and build things.
I want to be stronger. I want to be able to beat the crap out of someone twice my size, and run six miles without wheezing or breaking a sweat.
I want to live in the coolest house in the universe, with the coolest design in the universe, and the best view in the universe, and the most incredible, funkiest backyard garden in the world.
I want to have the wickedest hair, the coolest, most unique clothes, the raddest tattoos, a really nice-looking guitar (the ability to play it well would be nice, too), and the best fucking CD collection ever.
I want a cool job that I really, really like. I want to enjoy the city that I live in so much I couldn't imagine wanting to live anywhere else. I want to travel to all sorts of awesome places around the world and meet amazing people and see amazing things ... and still be glad to go home at the end of each trip.
I want people to know who I am, and respect what I do, and want to get to know me.
I want people to wave to me in the street because they know me and like me and when I leave I want them to talk about me with their friends and say "Now she is fucking cool."
I want to be the coolest thing alive.
I was about to say "Do you think that's asking too much?" ... but now I've decided that it isn't asking too much, because I'm not asking for it.
It's just what I want.
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