Christ almighty, the antidepressants are working.It's weird because with these pills, taken in such small, slowly increasing doses, things change gradually enough that it doesn't feel like my change in temperament is the result of drugs ... but I'm sure it is.
I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking them right now.
I'm not going to try that. Apparently going off them so soon after starting them can cause one's depression to plummet to worse levels then they were at before medication. Scary shit. I don't want to know what "worse" would be like.
The thing is, my moods feel more consistent and steady. Not so shifty and bumpy and unpredictable ... and yet it's not what I feared ... I feared there would be this sort of blandness to my state of mind ... this sort of stable dullness, no nasty lows, but no nice highs either. Not so. I still feel happy and excited over the same things. The difference is, I don't experience random, vaguely manic, frantic highs that I can't explain, these highs I used to get on a daily basis that were starting to be accompanied by a sharp anxious sensation, a "Why am I so happy? Fuck, I'm going to come down hard from this high, aren't I?" feeling. Ugh.
I still have lows, too, but they feel less and less like getting the wind knocked out of me now, and more and more brief and rational.
I don't feel so much like a puppet with emotion-strings anymore.
I'm even sleeping better.
Now I'm worried that talking about things so positively might jinx it all. Heh ... I guess I'm still kind of paranoid.
I'll just let the medication continue to do its thing and see how it goes, then.
Talking about pills is pretty fucking boring anyway, isn't it?
Enough of that, then.
*insert a few hysterically funny paragraphs here*
Later.
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