I'm a little uneasy about writing all of a sudden.Because I want to talk about guys now. Ooooh boys boys boys.
You know.
But ... how specific can I get? How specific do I WANT to get? Can I name names? Can I refer to specific details about a guy? What to do, what to do ...
See, anyone I write about could read this thing.
Oh, I don't really mind them KNOWING what I write, or what I think .. that's all good. What I'm concerned about is that they'll be uncomfortable reading it. Or knowing it's out there for people to read. Y'know?
I need to give this some thought.
God, I love guys. I do. I admit. I'm not some man-eating vixen type (wouldn't that just be kickass though ...). I just love guys. I like talking to them on the phone. Flirting with them online. Hanging out with them. Hugging them. Sitting next to them. Staring at them. Making eye contact. Making fun of them. Making out with them. Everything about them ... I love. I'm not even talking about sex here. Just all that cool boy/girl stuff that gives me a big headrush ... yowzah!
This all may sound very juvenile. But up until this year, I didn't date, or meet guys, or any of that fun stuff.
OK, so I did have boyfriends. Two, to be exact. One when I was 17, for 6 weeks. Another when I was 19, for 3 months. But it wasn't like that. I never saw them. They lived in Milton. Yeah, Milton. Both of them. It was just a creepy coincidence that they both came from the same dead-end town. I hate little hick towns like that ... but that's a whole other story. The point is, it wasn't easy to see them frequently. Besides, they sucked. As human beings. Well so did I (no sexual meaning intended). That's why I was with them, I suppose. I won't get into it ... it's in the past, I've analyzed 'em to death .. it's time to move on.
To the present.
So yeah, now I'm all guy-crazy ... like I'm making up for lost time maybe? Who knows. But I'm not really ... because I'm having the shittiest luck! All the guys I talk to, I have no hope with, it seems.
Why? Well some live too far away (anywhere outside Burlington is too far when you don't drive). Others are just too damn busy to make plans with. And one guy, a guy who lives reeeeeeeeeallly fucking close (I'm talkin' 10 minute walk here), just ran the hell away screaming (figuratively) after I put the moves on him & we got kinda physical. There's always some sort of distance between me and guys. Be it their location, their occupation, or their complete lack of balls (again, I'm speaking figuratively).
And it's pissing me off. Do I instinctively latch onto unattainable dudes? They're not the typical unattainable guys .. playas & whatnot. No no ... nothing like that. But even so, there's that impossibility ... makes my connection to them all fantasy .. all in my own mind, where it's sure to be perfection .. or at least a good time. A mental roller coaster, maybe. Brain turbulence.
That sucks ass.
No more imaginary guys for me.
I want a guy I can actually see. Like right now. A guy who returns my calls. A guy who's really fun to make out with and doesn't kiss all screwy. A guy who thinks I'm RIPE ... and who doesn't freak out at the idea of getting too *close*, You know ... commitment-phobic types ..... oh yeah, I'm one of them too, I know, but not like that. It's not good to put all your eggs in one basket. But it's also fucking retarded to distance yourself from someone you're having fun with. All because you're scared of what it MEANS. Like you're supposed to be exclusively devoted to them or something. Ha! Fuck that. I don't need commitment from anyone ... just some fucking attention is all.
And they don't know what the fuck they're missing, those guys who can't stick around for me. They don't. I pity them. Ha!
Yeah. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'll start to actually believe that crap.
I'm depressed now.
Well not really. Just a little perturbed. Saddened. Disappointed. Whatever.
It shall pass. Yes indeed.
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