Well, it looks like I'm back in the store owner's good graces. Yesterday morning I arrived to find a little gift box full of gingerbread cookies to get me "into the Christmas spirit" (in other words, be cheery, because the store's gonna start getting busy with pesky Christmas shoppers soon), and a note from her telling me I'd done a great job in the store last week. So I guess I don't need to worry about getting the axe just yet.

I've been in a really fantastic mood these days. I can't even remember the last time I felt so consistently good. I guess during my last relationship, everything just started feeling so pressured .. I felt like I had no time, I had to get a better job, had to make money, had to do it fast, James had to get out of debt, we had to get a place together ... weekends were completely booked because we needed to be together the whole time, because if we weren't, we'd drift apart because it was our only time together .. all those concerns in the back of my mind constantly. I never stopped to ask myself if I was happy and if that was what I really wanted. Well, OK, I did, but then I pushed the thoughts aside because I felt terrible for even thinking them. But it turns out he was going through the same thing. We weren't growing together. And we couldn't grow separately because our lives were so wrapped up in each other.

Now everything feels open to possibility. Everything is new and fresh. I can do things in my own time, because I want to do them, not because I feel like I have to. I've learned a lesson. I'm not going to lose myself in a relationship again. I know how important it is to have a sense of self. And it's better for a relationship, too. I have much more to add to the relationship if I'm continuing to be myself, and being honest with myself. I still can't get over the extent to which I was able to deceive myself. I couldn't admit to myself that I wasn't happy, because I thought there must be something wrong with me if I wasn't. James was such an amazing person, how could I not be happy with him? But now I realize it was nobody's fault. And now I feel alright.

Oh man. Did you know that the Afghan Whigs did a cover of Creep? No, not the Radiohead song ... the TLC song. Seriously. The thing is .. I really like it. God, his voice just does something indescribable to me. I also really love unexpected covers. They always give me a new appreciation for the original. Even if it is TLC. Heh. That's kind of embarrassing, actually.

I need a haircut. I'm used to only getting haircuts maybe twice a year or so, but having bangs means more maintenance if I don't want to look like Cousin It. I could just grow them out, but I like them. They make me look more .. I dunno. Edgy. Or less serious. Or something. Anyway, I was thinking about doing that today, but places are usually busy on Saturdays. And maybe Sundays too. And then I work on Monday. Hmm .. might have to wait until Tuesday then. I wonder if the situation's too urgent to wait that long. I mean, it's not like I can't see or anything, I just don't wanna look all scrappy and unkempt and unprofessional at work. At least, no more than usual. Ah well. I'll figure something out. I know you're all just riveted, reading about my bangs.

I'm going to end this entry now, because I feel like it.

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� Ripe Tomato 2001-2005
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