*sigh*Here's what I wrote in the paper journal today at work.
Friday, October 9, 2004, 3:38 pm
I think I'm going to have to start looking for a new job, pronto.
I thought I'd been forgiven for my lateness on Monday, but apparently not. I just got yelled at, yes, actually yelled at, on the phone by the owner for something I just thought was really weird.
She was looking at the records and asking me if a customer had purchased something with a store credit note on Monday, and I couldn't remember so I told her to hold on while I checked the notes I'd written on Monday (we're encouraged to write down anything the person coming in the following day might need to know), and she said incredulously, "You don't remember?!". I thought it was a pretty extreme reaction, since I didn't think a transaction like that was such a big deal that it should stand out in my mind four days after the fact. So I said something like "No .. sorry .. I didn't think it was a big deal ..?" in what I thought was simply a confused, completely non-confrontational tone. Then I found a note I'd written on Monday confirming that yes, a purchase was made with a credit note, so I told her. Then I asked if there was something wrong with the transaction, and she said "No, I just find it odd that you wouldn't remember". She sounded pretty ticked off. So I just apologized and said something about it being a few days ago so that's why I didn't remember, but that I had written a note about it. So she pretty much just said "fine" or something equally unforgiving, and we hung up.
It was clear that she wasn't too pleased with me, so I called her back not too long after to see if I could clarify things a little more and get a better idea of why she was so upset. In the past she'd been pretty friendly and encouraged me to call her if I had any questions and whatnot. But calling her this time just seemed to make things worse. She told me I got defensive with her (I really didn't, or at least, I wasn't feeling defensive. Just confused). So I told her I was sorry and that that hadn't been my intention, and said that I guessed the credit note purchase just hadn't stood out in my mind because I'd been so busy with stock that day, and she cut me off and said, in an irritated voice "Monday was the day you were late. Remember?". So I started to say that yes, I knew, and she said "Look, it's eight dollars an hour you're getting paid, you were late, and I just expected that if you'd received a credit note, you'd remember. But obviously you didn't." So I apologized again and said that I hadn't been expecting her to pay me for the time I hadn't been in or anything, and she just said "no problem". And then I think we said bye and hung up at that point.
Ugh. Believe me, I apologized profusely on Monday for sleeping in. I even told her I'd understand if she didn't want me working there anymore. I could understand if I got fired for that, and yet she was nice about it at the time. But the credit note thing just seemed so unimportant, especially considering I wrote it down on paper anyway and was able to give her the information she needed. Is it that big a deal that it slipped my mind? Normally I'm totally willing to admit when I've made a bad mistake. In fact, I'm even known for apologizing for things that aren't my fault, to the point where people get annoyed with me and tell me to stop fucking apologizing already. But this time I honestly don't feel like I did anything wrong. Sleeping in and being late, yes, that was completely wrong. But not remembering a credit note from four days ago? Seriously? I mean, she's usually so friendly. I wouldn't think she'd be the sort to make a big deal out of nothing. So maybe I'm just wrong. Maybe it is a big deal. I don't know. Maybe I did sound defensive and just didn't realize it. I have no idea. But I feel like shite, and I'm trying to dust the shelves and and be helpful with customers when they come in, and I'm having a really hard time because I'm still feeling really shaken about it all. Teary-eyed and crap. Ugh. I hate being this goddamn sensitive sometimes.
Anyway, after that conversation, I really don't know how much longer she's going to keep me here. I wouldn't be at all surprised if I got the axe soon. I've never been fired from a job before, and the whole prospect is just really humiliating.
Anyway, just thought maybe writing about this would make me feel a bit better. But it didn't, really. So now it's back to work.
Back to the present.
Yeah. So that was my day. Must be my fault for saying I was happy in my last entry. I jinxed myself. Bleh.
Well, alright. I'm still feeling good aside from that. That just totally ruined my day .. and if I do get fired, then things are going to be kind of shitty for a bit, unless I can find a decent new job before that happens. But my job is not my life. I don't even like retail. Why the hell do I keep doing it? I guess because I don't feel I'm qualified for any other job right now. My education is shite. All my experience is in retail. It's the easiest job to get, and the hardest one to endure. Every retail job I've ever had has left me feeling like a dumb bitch who can't do anything right. And the pay! My god, the pay. It's SHIT. And eight dollars an hour is considered good starting pay for a retail job. Ugh. I want a grownup job.
I need a job where I actually feel valuable and irreplaceable. A job where people say to me "Lara, you did an amazing job! Thank you so much! How did we ever live without you? You know everything! And you're so damn sexy, too!"
Yup. That's what I need. And I'm sure that'll be an incredibly easy job to find, too!
Maybe I should go back to that whole journalism idea. Yeah. I might have it in me. Remember when my writing used to be good?
Yeah, me neither. But I remember people telling me it was good. And that's something.
I got three hours of sleep last night and I have no idea why I'm still awake. This has got to stop.
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