Tonight is a lonely night.I've managed to alienate several online friends due to a combination of insecurity and neglect ... and just plain stupidity. When I get insecure, I babble like an eejit about things that don't matter, making matters far worse. And then constantly apologize and offer to leave the victims of my insecurity alone ... and then get upset when they seem OK with that.
I won't even talk about the person I believe is ignoring me out of some sort of hurt or spite ... I was an explosive wreck the last time I experienced this and I can't let it happen again. This time I'll merely let it nag at my mind quietly and painfully for weeks until I become numb on one side of my brain. See how much better adjusted I am now?
Anyway, James is at home sleeping because of a bad headache. He gets those a lot. I wish there was something I could do to help. I myself never get headaches, for some reason.
My rats are now feasting on a supper of chicken, cucumber and almonds. They're eating better than I am these days. I won't even begin to discuss my eating habits of late.
I've been missing the old me recently. I miss the whole being lonely, hanging out at book stores and coffee shops scribbling observations in my journal, melancholy but cute in a long skirt, purple hat and fake glasses, wishing I was happy and in love. Sure, I was unhappy, but at least I was interesting.
Maybe I'll do that again ... except without the wishing for love, since I already have it. I almost feel I have no right to be lonely, but I am. Maybe lonely isn't the right word, though. Empty might be more accurate. There's something missing in my life for sure.
I was remembering also how back in those earlier days, Diaryland chat actually used to be worth logging into ... yeah, there were assholes and morons, but there were interesting people to talk to, as well. It's just turned to shit now, from what I can see. I need a place that feels like what Diaryland chat used to be.
I made a therapy appointment with my family doctor for next month. I really need a place to vent again, and help dealing with my feelings. I do think that the lack of antidepressants has a lot to do with this, but nevertheless, I don't want to go back on them. For all of their benefits, they still made me a bit of a boring schmuck.
Anyway, I'm off to watch the remainder of That 70s Show. Mmm, Donna.
last entry
-
next entry
older entries latest entry profile notes guestbook cam diaryland
Comments are temporarily out of order until I can afford to get a SuperGold membership again. Yes, that is also why all the images are broken. I apologize. In the meantime, please use the guestbook for anything you may wish to say. Thanks.
Ripest entries on the vine
Huh. - Wednesday, Jun. 21, 2006
Another Diarylander jumps on the LJ bandwagon - Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2006
Moving on? - Thursday, Nov. 24, 2005
Because how complicated can elephant hunting be? I mean, they're so BIG and SLOW! - Friday, Oct. 28, 2005
Busted - Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005
� Ripe Tomato 2001-2005
Don't steal my shit. I'll send thugs. Oh shut up. I do
so
have thugs. Quit laughing! Look, just don't steal my stuff, OK?
