Wow ... looks like I'm gonna be one busy little bitch once I'm living in London.Along with working full time (which I'll almost definitely need to do in order to pay rent -- unless I either find roomates or get high-paying part-time work), I'll also be going back to school. High school.
That's right, I never graduated high school. Me, the daughter of an actuary (don't ask me to explain if you don't know) and a university professor. My dad has a fucking PhD and I can't even get through HIGH SCHOOL. Did I mention I dropped out twice? Did I mention that 99% of the time I was out of school I didn't have a job, I just sat around at home while my parents supported my lazy ass? Did I mention I put almost no effort into looking for work? Did I? Did you know that when I did get work it was at a really cheap-ass teenybopper store that only hired me because they were desperate and that they found me so inept that they promptly hired someone else and reduced me to 6 hours a week (from 25) so I quit without looking for a new job and then sponged off my parents for almost six more months, which brings us to today (and I'm still spongeing)?
(Excuse me while I stop to breathe.)
Did you know that I'm 20, and I'll be 21 in January, and I still need six credits in order to graduate? Did you know that I'm stupid, lazy, unmotivated, unambitious, selfish, inconsiderate, incompetent, self-pitying, spoiled, and ... um ... did I mention LAZY? Oh, yeah.
Those are the thoughts that spin through my mind whenever I have to inform anyone of my lack of diploma, or whenever someone asks me about anything school or job-related. Or even just when someone I haven't seen in ages innocently asks me "So what have you been doing with yourself these past few years?". Those are the things I actually feel like I'm saying ... or rather, the way I think it's being interpreted. I think that when I tell someone "I've been out of high school for a while but I never graduated" they'll hear "I dropped out of high school because I thought I was too cool for homework and I just wanted to party, get high and jerk off all day" or maybe they'll hear something even worse like "I'm just not smart. Those high school courses are too hard. Teachers suck. They fail me just because I can't spell my own name. DUH ... I like jell-o."
Never mind the fact that neither of those statements are even remotely close to the truth. It's all about the way it sounds. I wish I didn't give a rat's ass about people's impressions of me, but I do. And the worst part is, it's almost impossible for me to explain my reasons for dropping out. There is no simple explanation. I'm not even sure I know it myself.
All I know is that I was unhappy, that I couldn't concentrate, that I rarely made it to classes on time, even when I made the effort. I know that I was painfully shy and had no friends except for one or two who sort of imposed themselves on me and whose company I didn't particularly enjoy. I know that I spaced out constantly when teachers talked for long periods of time, and that I couldn't stop it from happening although I certainly tried.
I knew I was smart. My parents knew I was smart. Teachers knew I was smart. Hell, anyone who talked to me for more than ten seconds knew I was smart. I'm not bragging, believe me. All I'm saying is that I knew my problems had nothing to do with a lack of intelligence. I don't remember getting anything lower than an A on any assignment I ever handed in on time in high school. But there were so many things I never handed in, or that I handed in late and lost so many marks for. So many tests I didn't properly study for. So many things I couldn't study for because what little notes I had to study were useless, since I could rarely pay attention (and when I did, it was uncanny the way I'd write down the less important things and unknowingly leave out the big test points) and had no friends to borrow notes from.
I do blame myself for lacking discipline. For not biting the bullet and doing assignments and giving myself enough time to finish before they were due. I always had trouble prioritizing up until recently.
I couldn't get organized, I couldn't concentrate, and I didn't like many things about high school. Most of the teachers were awful, most of the people were boring (it was the suburbs), and most of the courses were filled with infantilizing assignments and incredibly dull material.
OK, so almost everyone has to deal with bad teachers, people they don't like, and boring classes ... hey, THAT'S HIGH SCHOOL. Big deal. Suck it up and get it over with, right? I agree. I think I could've done it if I'd been able to concentrate, and if I wasn't so inexplicably miserable. But I couldn't concentrate, and I was miserable.
And that, my friend, is why I dropped out of high school. Twice.
Funny, but I think that huge explanation was more for me than it was for anyone else. Like I could just stop worrying so much what others thought about it if only I knew what I thought about it. Maybe.
So what's changed since then? Plenty. I'm now able to focus, get places on time, and finish things I've started. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be. I'm motivated. I'm RIPE. I won't go on about how this stuff came about ... most of it was gradual anyway. Besides, I don't want to sound like a new-age self-help book or something.
So I'm going back to high school, most likely. Unless I can get around Western's mature student admission clause which requires a person to not have been a full-time student at any point within the last four years (how incredibly retarded ... as long as someone's paying them buckets of money to take their courses, why should they care what they've done over the last four years? But nooo ... apparently I've done too much school to be eligible as a mature student .. damnit, if only I'd made less of an effort to get my diploma) ... um, where was I before that little bracketed rant? Oh yes, unless I can get around that whole thing (and I did send an e-mail asking about it today, so we'll see), I'm determined to work my ass off and see how fast I can get that fucking diploma.
I want to go to university. Not to further my career, not because my parents want me to, and not because I just feel like I "should". I just want to do it. To see if I can. To see if I like it. Just because, damnit.
But I don't want anyone bugging me about it. Why do people do that anyway? Don't they have their own lives to deal with? Why does my choice to go to school or not stress out so many people? And why do they think that I need their stress on top of my own? WHY??? It's one thing when it's my parents ... because in that case it affects them. They might be paying for it. Or they might wonder how I plan to support myself if I'm not in school (ie. hopefully not by taking handouts from them). But when it's just random people, like friends, or teachers, or even people I'm not at all close to, that's when I get touchy. Seriously. Back off. OK? OK.
Why is this such a long, ranting, unfunny entry? I dunno. It just happened. I guess I just had a lot to get off my chest.
All in all, I'm OK. I'm moving to a new city, I have goals, and I'm excited. Nevermind the nauseating fear I'm experiencing right now. I'm a spoiled, overprivileged brat leaving home for the first time. It would probably be more bizarre if I wasn't nervous. Right? Right.
I will write at least one more entry before I move. But as for now, this entry is over.
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