I worked all day yesterday. I brought my trusty old paper journal with me and wrote a bit during the slow periods in the store.Here's what I wrote.
Tuesday, September 28, 11:50 am
I brought the old paper journal to work in case I needed to write. Oh yeah, so I have a job at a furniture/home decor store now. We don't get tons of customers so I'm in here alone a lot with nothing to do. I don't mind much though, because I get to sit down a lot and the pay isn't too bad for retail.
Jessica Holmes came in the store today. You know, the Canadian comedian who's known for her Celine Dion and Liza Minnelli impressions. She's also the new woman on Air Farce. Non-Canadians might not know who I'm talking about. Anyway, she came in and I thought it was her but I didn't know if my asking would be annoying. I finally did ask and she said yes, she was. She was with her boyfriend, or maybe he was her husband, I'm not sure. Anyway, they were both quite friendly, and she told me a funny story about being at a restaurant recently where someone told her she looked " just like that comedian ..." and when she said "Jessica Holmes?" he paused and thought about it for a minute and said "... no ..", and he wouldn't let her leave because he was still trying to figure out who she looked like.
Update: I just did some research online and discovered that the guy who was with her was indeed her husband, Scott Yaphe, and he's actually on TV too. Now I feel kind of embarrassed for only recognizing her. Oh well. If he's not as well known as she is, he's probably used to it.
Anyway, it was kind of a cool encounter. I think that's the first time I've ever actually had a conversation with a celebrity.
12:15 pm
I just used the store's bathroom. I hate using it because I saw a large spider in there last week that had made itself a home in a small alcove in the wall. It's not in that spot today, but I don't think anyone killed it, I think it's just lurking somewhere else in the bathroom, which is worse because now I can't keep an eye on it. So I barely even give myself a chance to finish peeing before I'm getting up and yanking my pants back up and getting the hell out of there. I don't even know why I'm so afraid of spiders and bugs. I used to own pet rats, and snakes don't faze me, but for some reason spiders make me want to climb back into the womb in a panic and never come out.
Back to the present.
I didn't write about James or the breakup because I didn't want to get too upset at work and be all teary-eyed when customers came in. But it was on my mind, of course. Yesterday was a bit more bearable though because I had to focus on work, and then afterwards my dad and his girlfriend, Dawn came to pick me up and I was with them for the evening. It was a nice distraction.
My dad told me that he actually sort of saw it coming, because although he thought James was a great person, he could see that I was starting to lose myself in the relationship. He always seems to see these things coming. I can't decide if that's comforting or annoying. He said that I do tend to do that when I get attached to someone, and that I probably need time to figure out who I am.
Of course, it's so hard for me not to think things like "OK, so I'll get myself sorted out and figure out who I am, and then maybe James and I can get back together and be happier because we've worked on ourselves". And I know that's not healthy, because as long as I'm the only one who feels that way, I'm going to be crushed when it doesn't happen. So I'm doing my best not to think that way, but it's just so hard because I can't imagine being with anyone but James. I can't imagine having these feelings for another person. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted anyone. I suppose I still do but it won't be the same now even if the friendship thing works out. I guess I'll just need to think of myself and my own development and not about my relationship to another person. But I still want to keep in regular contact with James while I do this. I really hope we can do that. He promised me he wouldn't be distant with me, but it's a hard promise to keep, and we may have different ideas of what "distant" means.
God, I miss him. And it's only been just under three days. Part of me wonders how he's doing, but I'm also afraid to know. He might be hurting like me, or he might feel like a huge weight's just been lifted off his shoulders. It's painful for me to think about. So many things in my life, objects, are tied to him, too. He designed the layout for this diary. He bought me the bathrobe I'm wearing, and my favourite sneakers. He gave me a promise ring which I stopped wearing on Monday, and my left ring finger feels naked now. Wearing it and catching a glimpse of it on my hand throughout the day always gave me this warm feeling. I suppose I should give it back to him, although I don't know if he'll want it. It's a weird thing to have to do. It makes things so final. I also have pictures of him, of us, in my room, which I haven't put away yet. I'm not ready to deal with that just yet, and I don't know where to put them. I don't want to throw them away. Too many memories. God, even the words we used to use ... we would make up weird and silly words all the time, and I still say them to myself in my head or out loud when I'm alone, without even thinking about it until after I've said it.
The upside to all of this is that I'm losing weight from lack of appetite. Of course, I'm slowing down my metabolism, which is not good. It means that when I do start eating again, I could gain back way more weight than I want to. I'm going to try hard not to do that. I am drinking water constantly though. I've been unbelievably dehydrated since the breakup. I didn't know why until my mom told me that crying dehydrates you. Makes sense. And I need to cry as often as I feel like it. It's a good release.
I still haven't decided what to do today. I don't want to sit around the house moping. I was going to go clothes shopping this week, but I'm not sure I can handle being in a crowded mall while I'm still in such an emotional state. Besides, as long as I'm losing this much weight, it might be wise to wait a bit so that I don't end up buying clothes that will be too big in a couple of weeks. I think I might go for a really long walk or something. Maybe I'll bring the paper journal, too.
Time to get dressed.
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