I'm hoping that writing a diary entry will give me something to do and make me feel a bit better, because I feel like crapola right now.I'm lonely. And it sucks.
I see my boyfriend on weekends, and during the week I'm by myself. All week. Virtually no human contact, aside from my mom, who leaves for work early and comes home late, and always seems too busy or too tired to want to talk. She's a good person. But she has a very full life, and I'm not her little girl anymore, I'm an adult.
Right now I'm not supposed to find work, I'm supposed to take care of my body and take care of the house, keep it clean ... OK, so let's say I do all of this. Let's say I get up early in the morning and go for a jog, then I come home and eat a healthy breakfast, I do the dishes, I tidy the kitchen, I fold laundry. My mom is happy. I start to lose weight. OK, so I might start looking better. Well that's not going to make me any less lonely.
It's hard to take proper care of myself when I just feel empty most of the time. I also have a hard time using anything other than food that's bad for me to make me feel better in this situation, but that's another entry in itself (although if anyone has any feel-better ideas other than stuffing one's face, I'd appreciate them .. I do know of other things, but none of them ever seem quite as appealing as a pint of ice cream when I get in these moods).
I like to spend time alone, and I actually like to have quite a bit of "me" time available to me. But five days a week of nothing but alone time, aside from phone calls from James which I look forward to .. well. It's a bit much. At least when I worked, I had contact with other people. Sometimes it was bad, sometimes it was decent, depending on whom I shared shifts with. But it was something.
I think I do need this time though, time to get my life a bit more "together" before I get another job. I think it's true that I'll have trouble starting something like that when I'm working. Continuing I can do, starting is another story.
I've tried talking online but it does little good now ... problems arise with people, people get blocked .. I annoy people with inane chatter and I get blocked .. everyone seems so distant ... or I see someone online that I'd talk to, if only I had something to say. It's not like real life, where you don't always have to be talking, because you can do things too, and just spend time with the person, and converse as need be, rather than racking your brain for something interesting to say.
I don't know. Maybe just getting out there, getting some exercise, keeping things clean, maybe those things will make me feel better. I know exercise is good for improving a person's mood. It's just hard to get up and do these things when I feel this way.
But I'm going to take driving lessons, and maybe sewing lessons, and see about joining a running training thingy my mom told me about, and maybe those things will distract me a bit .. and I guess I'll be seeing and talking to people in order to do those things, and maybe that will help.
I'm going to go now, and soon I'll take a bath and paint my toenails a dark metallic pine green, and maybe that will make me feel a bit better, too.
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