Notes to self: - Checking your sitemeter every five minutes for hours on end is too much.
- Checking your fan list every five minutes is also too much. Try to control yourself.
- When you get dressed and put on the last pair of clean underwear from your drawer, that's your cue to do laundry before the next day arrives.
- When you hear the words "The following is a paid commercial ... blah blah etc. ... Channel Whatever does not endorse the use of these products", that's your cue to turn off the TV.
- Just because there's a "walk" signal on, that doesn't mean the asshole cab driver trying to turn right will let you cross. It also doesn't mean the prick won't honk at you if you do try to cross.
He's the asshole, not you, therefore you should stop getting embarrassed and giving him apologetic looks when this happens.
- Pay more attention to where you are so that you can stop accidentally inhaling through your nose every time you walk past that street corner that always smells like urine.
- No matter how hard you try, you'll never make it all the way past Chinatown with your breath held. Accept that you'll be taking in the aroma of rotting garbage and fish and try and walk through it as quickly as possible.
- You're allowed to be angry sometimes. Stop feeling guilty about it. You're human. It happens. Just don't kill, threaten, stalk, or injure anyone, and it will all blow over eventually.
- Just because a guy is old enough to be your father, doesn't mean he won't still try to get in your pants. If this happens, run, don't walk.
- No matter how comfortable it may be, don't cup your right breast in your left hand while sitting at a desk or table writing or eating. *You* may not realize what you're doing, but others might, and it probably looks lewd. (Er ... yes, I do this. Unconsciously. It sounds weirder than it looks.)
- Stop turning to look every time someone honks their horn. It's downtown Toronto, you should be used to car horns by now. People will think you're a tourist.
- Look at the URL in people's links before you click them. If you see the words "rotten.com" or "med/forensic" in them, and still click on them, you deserve what you get. And for fuck's sake, stop clicking that goatse.cx link. You should know better.
- Always check the best before date.
"I don't take chances with a product that prints the date you might expire."
--Calvin
- Don't go for guys based on looks, because it's shallow, misguided, and superficial ... but remember that ugly guys are just as likely to be assholes as cute ones.
- The mirrors on your building's elevator doors make everyone look fatter.
- Next time a guy you're not interested in starts flirting with you, be flattered, be polite, and then for fuck's sake, move on. Don't stick around talking to him just because you enjoy the attention, and definitely don't stick around talking to him to avoid hurting his feelings ... this is probably why guys always think you want them!
- Don't adjust your bra when you're alone on the elevator, no matter how quick you think you'll be. It's obviously just tempting fate, given how many times the doors have opened for someone else while your hand was down your shirt.
- Stop telling people they're "sooooo good looking" after they sneeze. An alarming number of them will NOT have seen that episode of Seinfeld, and you'll only be embarrassing yourself.
- "Your mom" jokes aren't funny anymore. They were never that funny, but now they're not even amusing in a so-stupid-it's-funny way.
Your mom jokes = not funny.
Get it through your head before you have no more friends.
If only I could keep these things in mind at all times, I think I could greatly improve the quality of my life.
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