Today was another day with two entries ... the first can be seen here.I'm really not in a very good mood at all tonight. If you're looking for a laugh ... well, click here, or here, or even here. If, on the other hand, you want to see me bitch and moan, read on. I really hate apologizing for unfunny entries, but I just don't know how people are going to react when I get this way. Oh well. Moving on ...
I'm amazed at how many people I know read my diary every day (I can sort of guess who's who by looking at the stats), and yet never actually talk to me. I'm talking about people I'm friends with in real life, or rather, people I was friends with, or was close to somehow. I mean, I don't feel close to anyone at the moment, nor do I consider anyone to be a "friend" in my "real" life (all I mean by "real" is "in person" ... it doesn't mean I think my online life is my pretend life). I can no longer regard those who don't make any effort to stay in contact with me as "friends". I just can't. I'm noticing that whenever I talk to someone who's supposed to be a real life friend of mine, it's because I initiated it ... no one ever calls me up or even talks to me on icq or e-mails me unless I contact them ... and only if I do it in a way that sort of asks for a response. I mean, it's up to me every single time. Maybe that's why I like Diaryland ... there are people here who actually pay attention to me and want to talk to me without my twisting their arms.
It's not that any of my supposed real-life friends are unkind ... it's that they're SO COMPLETELY NEUTRAL toward me I could just SCREAM. They won't go out of their way to talk to me. They won't even send me a message saying "hi" if they see me online. Unless I do it first. Every single time. It makes me feel completely responsible for keeping in touch with them ... even though their lack of interest in making any effort to stay in contact with me just makes me feel like the biggest loser in the universe.
What really hurts is that all of these people used to take a genuine interest in me, and made the effort to keep the friendship alive. Now they don't. It seems like everyone I've ever been close to has just totally lost interest in me. It's starting to feel like my fate or something. I wonder if there's something about me that just eventually causes people to grow bored with me. I can't see any other explanation for why I'm always finding myself suddenly cut off from the people who mattered the most to me.
And yet these people read my page. I don't know how to interpret that. They read my page, and yet they don't talk to me. Are they thinking "OK, well I'm up to speed on Lara's life now ... so I don't need to talk to her or anything"? I don't know what it's all about. Yeah, sure, they're busy ... but I don't care. I'm sick of doing all the work.
Of course, if you are one of these people, then you're probably reading this right now. Well ... look, I'm sorry if I sound nasty, or pathetic, or hysterical ... but it would be nice to hear from you occasionally. Believe it or not, it would actually mean a whole lot to me. You know?
All of my relationships and friendships have become null and void.
I think I'm becoming null and void.
I wish I knew how to explain this in a way that would make sense to someone other than me.
I wish I wasn't so damn sensitive.
I wish I was somewhere happier right now.
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Ripest entries on the vine
Huh. - Wednesday, Jun. 21, 2006
Another Diarylander jumps on the LJ bandwagon - Tuesday, Jan. 17, 2006
Moving on? - Thursday, Nov. 24, 2005
Because how complicated can elephant hunting be? I mean, they're so BIG and SLOW! - Friday, Oct. 28, 2005
Busted - Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005
� Ripe Tomato 2001-2005
Don't steal my shit. I'll send thugs. Oh shut up. I do
so
have thugs. Quit laughing! Look, just don't steal my stuff, OK?
