Friday, Oct. 07, 2005 - 2:52 p.m.
Joblessness, costumes and baby talk

Hey, it's been a while, hasn't it?

Well, I quit the job from hell. I didn't even wait until I had a new job. I am now looking for a new job and enjoying the time off while feeling guilty at the same time because I should probably be looking harder. Meh, oh well.

The Job Bank website continues to both annoy and amuse the hell out of me. The "Skill Requirements" section is my favourite part. Apparently I need a university degree to work at a doughnut shop. It really is reassuring to know that if I really apply myself and spend four years and thousands of dollars on my education, I can finally realize my lifelong dream of glazing baked goods for seven dollars an hour. Stay in school, kids.

There's a Hallowe'en keg party coming up. Beer and costumes .. could a better combination possibly exist? OK, maybe beer and orgies. Maybe. But still, this is pretty cool. Only problem is, I have no idea what to dress up as. As much as I'd love to do the pirate thing, it seems a bit uninspired, plus I'd prefer to go as something a little more Halloweeny (huh huh .. she said "weenie" .. wait, I've totally made that joke before, haven't I? Oh well), and I can't think of any sort of female equivalent to the zombie Pirate LeChuck. So yeah, any costume ideas would be greatly appreciated.

OK .. you know what? All you people on my MSN list who have significant others, listen up. I need to have a word with you. For the love of god, please stop having cutesy screen names about your widdle pookie wookie and pictures of the two of you getting all snuggly and eskimo kissing and stuff as your avatars, alright? Please. It's sickening. I understand you're in love and happy, and I'm happy for you, really I am. But come on, aren't you rubbing people's faces in it just a little? Maybe I'm bitter. I don't know. I didn't used to be this way. In fact, I still have no problem with public displays of affection. A couple across from me on the subway with their tongues down each other's throats? Fine. No problem. Sure, it may give me *stirrings* or make me a bit envious, but I'm cool with it. What drives me mad is the cutesy wutesy baby talk and all that poetry crap. I'm telling you, stop it. It's for your own good, really. You think I'm being a horrible bitch, but really, it's good advice. Take it from someone who has fallen into the oh-I'm-so-in-wuv baby talk trap. It starts off all nice and cute and innocent. But then you can't stop. You become physically incapable of speaking to each other like normal human beings. It will even start to bleed into your sex life, and that's just bad news. Believe me, it is very difficult to be aroused after hearing the words "schmoopie pie". Try it, it's not pretty.

So yeah, that's some love advice from Dr. Lara. A little bit of cuteness is a good thing, but don't overdo it. Remember that, and save the baby talk for your pets. I know I'll remember it. If I ever manage to score myself a boyfriend again, there will be no baby talk. Just makeouts and humping. Lots and lots of makeouts and humping.

So anyway, I think I've found the most addictive site ever. I'm actually jealous of the person who thought of it.

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I am homeless and hungry. Anything you can spare is appreciated. It's amazing how quick your luck can change. A year ago, a week before Easter, my wife and I bought our first apartment. It felt so good to own a home. Then, a week later, my wife died. Just dropped dead. So you know what that means?...Ladies, I'm available! I got no money, but I got the honey, and I'm giving out free samples.

Priceless stuff.

It looks like overheardintoronto is already taken, although nothing's been done with it as of yet. I hope it does go up. I'm totally going to start writing down all the weird shit I hear when I'm downtown.

Speaking of which, I think I'm gonna go downtown now. I've got nothing better to do and I think my ass is falling asleep.

You know you wanted to know that.

Have a killer Friday, everyone.


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� Ripe Tomato 2001-2005
Don't steal my shit. I'll send thugs. Oh shut up. I do so have thugs. Quit laughing! Look, just don't steal my stuff, OK?