Well, my job's over now, and I am officially unemployed. Now the real pressure begins. It's time for Lara to grow up. Crapballs!The way I see it, I have the following options:
a) Apply for jobs like crazy online that I know I could do very easily (ie. data entry clerk, receptionist, etc.) but that I probably won't get because zillions of people are qualified for them and have more experience or education than I do.b) Go to employment agencies and essentially say "Hey, I'm pretty goddamn smart and I have a decent typing speed, I'm good at putting a sentence together, and my spelling is downright awesome. But my education is crap and all my work experience is in retail, and if I work one more retail job I fear I may snap and go on a murderous rampage, so I'm thinking it may be time to take my career in a new direction. Can you help me, you money-grubbing leeches?"
c) Get another crappy part-time retail job (or food service, or whatever), see if I can go back to school part-time, take my pills and hope that murderous rampage thing never happens. This was my plan with my last job, but I didn't exactly follow through. I took one ridiculously easy two-month course that didn't even really help me, and that was it.
There may be other options, but those are the only ones that come to mind right now. I'll probably start with A and B, and resort to C if those don't work. I'm thinking I can (in theory) go back to school part-time regardless of the type of job I get, although a full-time one would make it much more difficult if it had 9-5 type hours.
In other news, I changed my mind again about going to Virginia like a typical indecisive female, so I may be going after all. It all depends on whether or not Virginia friend can still accommodate me. I changed my mind because I realized I was being retarded, and that my reasons for deciding not to go had much less to do with practicality (I have more than enough money and it's only a couple of weeks out of my life at best), and much more to do with my own insecurities (fear of not living up to "online Lara", of not clicking with someone I've developed a pretty strong friendship with, of just simply feeling like a goddamn TOOL around one of the smartest people I've ever talked to). So I decided it was time to suck it up. If it's too late and I can't go, then I'll have to accept the consequences of my silliness and indecision. I can do that. We'll see what happens. I realize you're probably all confused and thinking "Who the hell is this Virginia dude anyway?", because I know I haven't really mentioned him at all in this diary, despite the fact that he's become an entirely-too-important part of my life over the past several months. There are a few reasons for that. One is simply that I haven't been writing in here much at all recently (which may at least in part be because of him, as talking to him has allowed me to get a lot of crap out of my system that may otherwise have gone in here in some sort of less honest form .. it's tricky to be fully honest in a public diary). Another is because the whole thing just made me feel like a dork (going on about virtual friends and whatnot). And the other reason is because he reads this thing, and for some reason the idea of him reading whatever I might have had to say about him in this diary embarrassed the crap out of me. In fact, it still does. I'm not even sure I want to post this entry.
So that's enough about that for now.
Emily-Jane has got me hooked on The L Word. Even though I find myself rolling my eyes through most of it (I swear, based on that show, you'd think every woman in Los Angeles was a lesbian), I'm incredibly addicted. The Shane character especially intrigues me. I can't decide if I want her or if I want to be her, or both. God I'm lame.
Anyway, speaking of girls-on-girls ...
I think I'm starting to come to terms with the idea of being bisexual. I've always had issues with describing myself as such, partly because of my relative inexperience with women, but mostly because of what people seem to think of bisexuality. There's all this talk of people posing, of bisexuality being the new black and all that crap. So it's looked down upon by many. And I guess I can't really say I blame them, since I know plenty of women who call themselves bisexual because they occasionally enjoy getting drunk and making out with women in public places. Seems pretty silly. But having said that, my only actual experience with women does in fact involve alcohol and a crowd. I've dated only guys because it's easier to meet and date straight guys than it is to meet and date lesbians and bisexual women. There just aren't as many of them, and you have to seek them out, because it's not like women come with flashing neon "I'M QUEER" signs. Well, unless they either look really bulldykey or wear something like this. But regardless, I've decided to start using the word "bisexual" and caring less about how it looks to others. Fuck 'em, I say. No, not literally.
And now I think it's time for lunch.
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Ripest entries on the vine
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Busted - Tuesday, Oct. 25, 2005
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