I wrote this at work yesterday.Sat, Feb. 26, '05, 10:59 am
Lately I've been feeling rather angry for reasons I haven't been able to put my finger on. I haven't felt angry in a while (or if I have, I haven't acknowleged it to myself). Sad, yes, anxious, yes, but not angry. I think I might've figured it out though.
I've been spending all my time and energy thinking about others and my relationship to them and almost no time looking after myself. I feel empty and I depend on others to keep myself feeling complete. When they let me down, I feel lonely and insecure. When most of my Relationships (with a capital "R") ended, I was scared. I didn't know who I was because I'd tied my identity to them. Who was I if not His Girlfriend? The breakup with Brendan forced me to re-invent myself somewhat, lonely as I was. I was in a new city where I knew no one (I'm talking about Toronto when I moved back in with my mom, not that month I spent in London .. that was just disastrous). More than three years later came the breakup with James, and I've been in almost exactly the same boat, except for the "new city" part. Yet I still had no friends in the beginning, because I relied on him for that. But this breakup has been different because I've simply turned to other people, being lucky enough to make friends so quickly through the internet. But how much soul-searching have I done? Not much. And I'm not doing so well, despite how it may appear. Yes, I have a much better social life now, but look at the rest of my life. I'm working for crappy pay at an unfulfilling job. I'm eating poorly and slowly regaining the weight I lost. I get pissed off when I look in a full-length mirror. Almost 100% of my spare time not spent out with friends is spent talking to people online, which I do to the point where I'm constantly exhausted, yet never want to sleep.
A redeeming aspect of this is that I've been spending a whole lot of time talking to someone who forces me to examine my actions, thoughts, motives, etc. In fact, if not for them, I probably wouldn't even be thinking about this right now or asking myself why I feel this way. I'm not as introspective as I'd like to think I am. Not naturally anyway. See, even when I'm trying to figure myself out, it's at least partly due to someone else. But I think that right now I can honestly say that I'm contemplating all of this for my own sake, because I'm just sick of feeling this way. Nervous, anxious, lonely, afraid. I don't like the way I am when I feel this way. I'm not good company or a good friend.
Back to the present.
I went on some more after that, but I don't feel like typing it out. That's the drawback of posting things I wrote on paper .. my headspace almost always changes and I simply can't bring myself to post everything I wrote.
Anyway, life is kind of sad right now. But I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. Usually when I get this way I grow as a person, and my personality changes for the better. That's what I'm hoping for this time around.
Talking about my eating habits and what I ought to do to lose weight/get in shape is the kiss of death, so I'm not going to discuss it. With anyone. And don't you dare mention anything health-related to me or I will instantly gain four hundred pounds. I mean it. Don't test me!
I just found out my store is moving to Markham at the end of April, which means I need to find a new job. But if you ask me how the job search is going, I will beat you up. So don't test me there either!
Bet you didn't know I was so badass, did you? WELL SURPRISE, MUTHAFUCKAS.
I promise to never say that again, ever.
I have nothing more to write at this time.
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